How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
