Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
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