I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
