i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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