Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
True strength comes from lack of pants
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
