Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
