All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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