No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
