3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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