I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
