he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
