I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
