Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
