it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
