I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
