He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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