he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
