oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
