totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
