Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
