Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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