Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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