Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
