Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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