Where are you?
In a non slutty way
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
