I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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