I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
