The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
