I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
