in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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