What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
