Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
