did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
