sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
