Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
