so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
