New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
