Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
