I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
