My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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