Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
