he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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