I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
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His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
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Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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