I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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