Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
