you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
