if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
