The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
