I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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