Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Randomize
