I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
