Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
