My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I did not marry a roomba.
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