this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
