There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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