its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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