Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
