true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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