I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
