You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
