Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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